Patience is a Virtue that I've Lost
I would say, for the most part, I am a pretty "chill" person. You wouldn’t be able to guess that if you hear some of the conversations I’ve had with any given family member. I think not fully living with them for that last five years left me unfamiliar with their antics/quirks. With every day that I’ve been home, I’ve grown snappy and more impatient with everyone. Although, they can really be a handful; my dad’s poorly timed jokes and randomly coming to look over my shoulder while on the computer, my older sister who is equally bossy and needy, and my younger brother who lives up to the title of “the baby of the family" and likes to boss people around. My mom who’s either telling me what I already know or crawling into my bed to talk about boys (I still don’t have one mom; hasn’t changed since the last time you asked.) So yeah it seems like any one of them could set me off at any time lately. The more these conflicts arise, the quicker I blow my fuse. Most the time, I find myself being very impatient with a lot of situations and feel myself pulling away from them, sometimes. It has taken me a long time to realize that I have become impatient with not just my family, but our interactions as well. Maybe that has something to do with me living apart from them, but it might have more to do with the situations that surround our interactions.
Let’s look at each family member interaction. Starting with my dad, my main frustration with him is his poorly timed jokes. They're not just lame dad jokes, I give him a hard time for that but generally, I tolerate it. However, when I’m asking him a serious question, looking for advice, or being the emotional person that I am, I’m expecting sage, fatherly advice. Instead, he gives me a lot of jokes and goofiness. His humor isn't what upset me, it is, what seems to me, a lack of concern. Instead of showing concern or trying to help, he just wants to laugh. Next is my sister, whose bossiness comes from being the oldest child, and that entitles her to have me as her pseudo-indentured servant. Not three days after I came home, she had me run around doing errands as her “intern.” But heaven forbid that I ask her for a favor. There’s no reason I can’t do it myself in her eyes. My brother is younger than me, but taller than me and uses both things to his advantage. He basically runs the house, and I already have three people here that try to tell me what to do and how to do it, so I definitely don’t want that from him too. Last, there’s my mother. Now I love her, and I’m glad she’s involved in my life, but she bounces between treating me like a four-year old and demanding that I act like a full adult. If she’s not condescendingly telling me how I should wash my clothes, she’s telling me if I feel so grown I should get a job and move. That always makes me angry. I know how to do basic life skills; please believe I don’t need you to hold my hand through this process. But I'm also older now! I’m not trying to rebel against you, just because I don’t agree with what you say. Every time something like this happened with one of my family members, I did my best to ignore it. Or more commonly I would blow up in their faces. Neither was a good response.
I’m not sure when, but I started to think maybe, just maybe, I was actually the problem in these interactions. I know, mind blowing, but no one ever thinks that they are the issue in a conflict. It was obvious that something was bothering me and offended me in such a way that my best reaction was screaming. So I don’t really dislike my dad’s horrible jokes. I just feel like he should at least listen and respond to my concerns before he turns back to a lame dad. My sister is needy for sure, but I also just don’t want to move half the time. She’s not bossing me around for the sake of my health, but I guess I can appreciate the trips up and down the stairs. (This doesn’t mean you need to do that more Amber, I know you read these post.) My brother and I were super close growing up, so after being away for five years maybe he wants to just hang out. And since my preferred way to spend my time is to catch up on all the sleep and TV I missed while I was away, I can see why he would try to demand me to do certain things with him. Doing things for him, I still don’t get, I ain’t his maid! My mom is the biggest one I have to work on. We are very similar, so a lot of times were not listening to each other because we think the other person isn’t listening and were waiting for our opportunity to point that out. So that makes conversations harder. That and the fact that my mom still sees me as “her baby girl” makes her feel like me having a strong opinion is the same as disrespecting her. Now that I’m older I don’t always agree with all that my mom says, but I’d like to have a conversation with her instead of an argument. It’s going to take some time to successfully communicate without getting angry with anybody. I’m going to need a lot of patience to make sure I respond the best way possible in each situation. There will probably still be times where I don’t handle it well, I’m human after all, but at least I know what I can do to make it better. This is my family after all; I should be able to handle them, at least until that alleged man my mom keeps talking about comes to sweep me off my feet.
Let’s look at each family member interaction. Starting with my dad, my main frustration with him is his poorly timed jokes. They're not just lame dad jokes, I give him a hard time for that but generally, I tolerate it. However, when I’m asking him a serious question, looking for advice, or being the emotional person that I am, I’m expecting sage, fatherly advice. Instead, he gives me a lot of jokes and goofiness. His humor isn't what upset me, it is, what seems to me, a lack of concern. Instead of showing concern or trying to help, he just wants to laugh. Next is my sister, whose bossiness comes from being the oldest child, and that entitles her to have me as her pseudo-indentured servant. Not three days after I came home, she had me run around doing errands as her “intern.” But heaven forbid that I ask her for a favor. There’s no reason I can’t do it myself in her eyes. My brother is younger than me, but taller than me and uses both things to his advantage. He basically runs the house, and I already have three people here that try to tell me what to do and how to do it, so I definitely don’t want that from him too. Last, there’s my mother. Now I love her, and I’m glad she’s involved in my life, but she bounces between treating me like a four-year old and demanding that I act like a full adult. If she’s not condescendingly telling me how I should wash my clothes, she’s telling me if I feel so grown I should get a job and move. That always makes me angry. I know how to do basic life skills; please believe I don’t need you to hold my hand through this process. But I'm also older now! I’m not trying to rebel against you, just because I don’t agree with what you say. Every time something like this happened with one of my family members, I did my best to ignore it. Or more commonly I would blow up in their faces. Neither was a good response.
I’m not sure when, but I started to think maybe, just maybe, I was actually the problem in these interactions. I know, mind blowing, but no one ever thinks that they are the issue in a conflict. It was obvious that something was bothering me and offended me in such a way that my best reaction was screaming. So I don’t really dislike my dad’s horrible jokes. I just feel like he should at least listen and respond to my concerns before he turns back to a lame dad. My sister is needy for sure, but I also just don’t want to move half the time. She’s not bossing me around for the sake of my health, but I guess I can appreciate the trips up and down the stairs. (This doesn’t mean you need to do that more Amber, I know you read these post.) My brother and I were super close growing up, so after being away for five years maybe he wants to just hang out. And since my preferred way to spend my time is to catch up on all the sleep and TV I missed while I was away, I can see why he would try to demand me to do certain things with him. Doing things for him, I still don’t get, I ain’t his maid! My mom is the biggest one I have to work on. We are very similar, so a lot of times were not listening to each other because we think the other person isn’t listening and were waiting for our opportunity to point that out. So that makes conversations harder. That and the fact that my mom still sees me as “her baby girl” makes her feel like me having a strong opinion is the same as disrespecting her. Now that I’m older I don’t always agree with all that my mom says, but I’d like to have a conversation with her instead of an argument. It’s going to take some time to successfully communicate without getting angry with anybody. I’m going to need a lot of patience to make sure I respond the best way possible in each situation. There will probably still be times where I don’t handle it well, I’m human after all, but at least I know what I can do to make it better. This is my family after all; I should be able to handle them, at least until that alleged man my mom keeps talking about comes to sweep me off my feet.
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