React. Rundown. Repeat.

React. Rundown. Repeat.

           

I have been having the same conversations over and over again; at home, at my job, and with friends I find myself repeating the same words and thoughts on the same news and experience. These moments have become exhausting and seem to be fruitless. Regardless of who or what I'm talking about, I feel my conversations following the same pattern.

React: When the world presents another tragedy, or when someone says something off-color, or when I feel like I am not being heard in a conversation I react very passionately and emotionally. I scream to express my anger. I cry to express my frustration. I scramble to understand what's wrong or why this is happening. Why is the world seemingly falling apart? Why would someone say what they said knowing how I feel about it? Why does it feel like no one was listening to me? These questions run circles in my mind. Each racing towards some answer that I don't have. I can only think about these things for so long before I don't want to think anymore.

Rundown: I get very tired. I honestly cannot handle any more pain, others or my own. I can't handle being frustrated, angry or sad again. So the next time I hear a familiar conversation start, or I turn on the news to see more bad news stories, even when a well-meaning friend is just asking if I'm okay, I only feel numb. I am completely rundown and can't react to anything anymore. I don't want to feel that way either. I've run out of energy to feel or empathize. I want to shut down, to crawl into bed and lay there indefinitely. I let conversations happen around me instead of getting involved. I stay silent and separate from all the conversations and sometimes people. I feel like I can't go on, I won't recover this time.

Repeat: But I do recover. I crawl out from underneath the covers and try to engage the word. I take the bad news. I listen to people's responses and opinions. I start up conversations again, and for a moment I feel like this time it'll work. I'll be able to stay involved in everything. However, this doesn't last very long and I'm back to extreme reactions and the cycle starts over. Why go through this over and over? How can I change this so that I'm not hurting myself and others involved?

Restored: Put simply, I don't. I don't get out of bed because I've convinced myself it's the right thing to do. It's because of God that I can try again. He restores me from my lowest points. I would not be able to continue interacting with the world, or even the people close to me. I would probably become a hermit and avoid all the sadness and anger in the world. However, God gave us the need for community and the ability to support one another. I can't separate myself from what's going on. I can take a break, and definitely should, but I can't disassociate from this world.  God reminds me of that when He gets me out of bed to pray for the world that seems to be on fire. He reminds me when I go to apologize for my reaction to those I blew up on and try to start over. He reminds me through my friends who encourage me with prayer and verses when I tell them about my lack of feelings. God finds ways to renew me every day. He helps me to move forward. He is the only one who can break the cycle for me. He helps me to engage others in love, with patience and understanding without losing myself to the never ending struggles.