Evolution of a Crush

Evolution of a Crush (I came. I caught feels. I don't know where to go from here.)

            It came out of nowhere. Feelings were cultivated. I was "admiring from a distance." I had a crush. A big one too, the ones you have on someone you actually interact with so after a while you're just like "yes, I like you. Crap, now I can't be normal." I basically enter the friend zone then decide I want out. Which isn't a bad thing, relationships from friendships are awesome and kind of something I wanted. But hooooooooooooow?????? He didn't like me like that…or did he?

 Problem #1: Reading into things.

Everyone's been guilty of "reading" signs that CLEARLY AREN'T THERE. Like yeah, I know he hasn't said more than five words to me, but the way his straw was pointing at that tree that had a branch hanging over my head DEF means he wants to get married and have six kids. If I have to put in that much thought, or need to bust out a criminal investigation board to find a connection, then there isn't one! However, there are also plenty of times when I think that…was that…nah…could that have been a sign/hint/flirting kind of thing. This situation falls into the second category. He would say or do things every now and then that made me think, maybe he likes me. My friends who are much more logical than I am would agree, so I knew I wasn't just reading into things. Come on, who grabs you around the waist to "protect you from a tornado"? Or just grabs your hand because it's hanging over the seat? Yeah, this could be a thing. There was an issue though.

 Problem #2: Potential Competitors

Other girls aren't blind honey; they can see his beautiful dimples too. And it's worse if he's one of those guys who get along well with girls really well (usually because of an older sister/ he's a huge momma's boy, which is cute). So now every time he's with a girl my reaction is either, who's this ratch tryin' to steal my theoretical man! OR I knew he never loved me, I'm going to die alone…surrounded by my 15 dogs. This crushing revelation that others can see and know him left me feeling a new kind of crush, and not a fun one. It was the weight of being overlooked, crushing feeling. It was worse because I KNEW another girl he hung out with liked him, in fact, he talked to me about her.

 Problem #3: Accidental Confidant

We had a lot of late nights together because we both failed with time management and needed to do homework until 3 AM. There is something about the nighttime that makes people want to open up to you about their lives. I blame the moon, a giant ball of cheese, for causing me to be vulnerable. Anyway, he told me about a girl that liked him and was a good friend of his. I guess that should have been a red flag, except he never said he really liked her back. He was uncertain if he wanted to pursue her. Cautious from experience I guess. Now I could have been an awful person. Tell him to forget her and pursue someone new, maybe someone he shared several interests with, someone who had been secretly sending pics of him to her best friend so they could analyze how cute we…I mean you two would be together. But he was a friend, more than anything I want friends of mine to be happy and I'd never stand in the way of that. I just listened and gave slightly vague, but still helpful advice. This crushed my resolve and confidence, but also led to a new idea for me

 Problem #4: Should I just tell him?

Yes, this was revolutionary for me. I'm old fashion, I like the idea of being pursued and the guy approaching me first, but that means you got to give the guy something to work with. This is usually flirting. I'm majorly awkward and don't how to spell flirt correctly on a good day, so that wasn't going to happen. Maybe using my words would be better. My Sister discouraged this because it should be obvious if he liked me or not, I shouldn't need to say how I felt and see how he responds. Which yeah, it should've been obvious, but my glasses were quite rosy. Plus, in my mind, I wanted to tell him more for myself than for him to like me back. I didn't have the confidence to do this to any guy I liked, but if I was going to start expressing my feelings better, I'd want to start with him. It may be one way; it may be mutual. He may take it like a champ and we're still friends, he might freak and avoid me (which had me the most scared). But I would've gained something from that experience for myself. I was nervous, the more than I should have been, the more crushing pressure was in my chest when I thought about what could happen. I never got that chance though.

 Problem #5: He made a move…on the other girl

My friend told me when I got back to school. They decided to give it a try. They had been trying for over a month. It wasn't labeled, but they were basically exclusively dating. I cried when I found out. I wasn't surprised because I knew she was an interest of his, but I felt hurt and lost the drive I had been giving myself to even approach with the high possibility of rejection. This just confirmed everything I had thought. Of course, he didn't like you. You're not the dating type. This was in your head. You have no reason to be upset, this is nothing new. Now my crush was 3000% impossible. Now I was crushed for a different reason

 Problem #6: It hasn't died

Feelings like to stick with me for a while; they're that freeloading cousin that won't get out your house and just makes life more complicated. I have feelings, what do I do with them? I don't talk about it much because at this point it feels like I'm bothering family and friends with my melodramatics. I have been able to start packing them away, but it's hard. This was a hard crush; those don't go easy. I'm not crying in my bed, listening to Adele or anything. But when I see him, there are times when I can't keep my heart from pounding a little faster, my mouth from smiling a little harder, and voice from laughing a LOT louder (I seriously sound like a hyena normally, so yeah…I need help). But, I try to take comfort in this

 Solution #1-infinity: I have God

No, I'm not dating Jesus, and the next person I hear saying that is getting smacked. No, I haven't given up on love. Nor do I plan to join a convict (that was 16-year-old me and I can't follow behind Whoopy Goldberg being a nun). I want to find love. I want to get married and have a family. I have a God who knows this and will give me the desires of my heart. His timing is perfect and the man he brings along will be as close to perfect as a person can get, for me. I need to be ready for that. I think I am, but there are probably things I need to work on before that happens. So I still like this guy, it still hurts. But God still reigns and loves me. That is more than enough for me. On the days it doesn't feel like it is, I turn to Him and work on my heart. I'll get to a point where I can be a good support to my future husband someday. I'm working on being a good child of God right now. And that will be good for all relationships I pursue from here on out. Because as my girl Superwoman once said: "You can' be part of a 2 unless you're a complete 1."